Inspiration
by Animal Arithmetic
Summary: It can go a long way, inspiration can. Neil's performance that night inspired Todd to finally seize the day. He, in turn, inspires Neil to finally stand up to his father.


Todd Anderson was shocked, speechless, in awe after his roommate's performance. Neil's acting was just so... beautiful and passionate that it made Todd's breath catch in his throat and his heart both beat painfully with its incessant pounding and stop all together at the same time. Todd had never felt anything like it before and it was such a curious feeling...

He had to stop wondering about it as the curtains opened- when had they closed?- and people started clapping. Someone nudged him to stand. He shook himself out of his stupor to do so enthusiastically, grinning broadly when he saw his friend in the center of the stage. Neil was grinning as well, proud of his performance. Todd couldn't help but be proud of his friend as well.

Todd wished he could be as brave as Neil; he wished he could follow through with his dreams in the spirit of _carpe diem_, but he knew he couldn't. Todd was too shy, too far into his shell to do much of what he actually wanted. He wasn't brave like the others, and besides, he was used to sticking to the shadows.

But Neil's performance...

It was... inspiring.

And Todd knew just what he had to do.

"_Carpe diem_," he whispered under his breath as he saw Neil make his way over to the small group who had come just to watch him.

With a determination no one had ever witnessed before, Todd stepped out into the aisle to meet the actor. The others in their group saw this raw determination and, shocked at such a brazen behavior from the shyest member of their group, stepped to the side. Neil notice the strange behavior of his friend and roommate as well and he slowed down, somewhat confused. The proud smile slipped from his face to give room for the look of concern.

"Todd, are you-"

"Can I speak to you?" Todd asked. He was astounded at his own bravery, despite what he was about to do. _"Privately?"_

"Uh..." Neil glanced at the others. They just shrugged back, just as confused as Neil."Alright."

Once the two had disappeared in the crowd, Charlie turned to his friends with an amused, albeit confused, look. "What was _that_ about?"

A hand grasped his shoulder. Charlie looked over to see Mr. Keating beside him with a knowing smile; the teacher had been suspicious, sure, but those suspicions had been put to rest the moment he had seen the determined look in the boy's eye and had heard his muttered words. "Carpe diem, Mr. Dalton. Carpe diem."

Charlie looked off to where the two had disappeared with a look of awe. "You're kidding!" He had always guessed that Todd had a crush- _at least_; there was really no other name for it- on Neil. Charlie had actually been waiting for this to happen for a while, now. Really, he had been hoping it would have happened sooner, but alas, beggars can't be choosers- or so he'd been told. He turned back to his favorite teacher. "He's really going to-"

"I believe so," replied Mr. Keating with a large smile.

"Carpe diem indeed," muttered an amused Charlie with a smirk.

"Do tell me how it ends," Mr. Keating requested with a pat to his shoulder. "I need to speak with Mr. Perry before he finds his son."

Charlie saluted him. "Aye, aye, captain. As soon as I know, you'll be the first I notify."

Mr. Keating smiled and moved away to go find the angry father. Charlie just hoped Mr. Keating could placate Neil's father before Neil and Todd came back from... wherever 'privately' was. Charlie hid a smirk at that thought, but said nothing when the others asked him what he and Mr. Keating had been talking about.

Charlie knew not to say anything to his group of Dead Poets because, even though they believed firmly in _carpe diem_, they would certainly object to Neil and Todd being something much more than just merely friends. Cameron would especially protest against such a relationship, Charlie was sure. Charlie accepted it because, hey, he loved to go against the tide. Surely two men being together- romantically- constituted as Against the Tide as one could get. Well, not only that, but he didn't see any problem with two men being together. Love was love. That, and he just wanted Neil to be happy and he wanted Todd to come out of his thick shell. He _had_ been trying all year so far to make the boy less shy, but absolutely _nothing_ had worked (except whenever he was with Neil, which just supported his argument further).

He just hoped this would work because, even though a shy Todd was adorable, _damn it_, the stuttering was _really_ getting on his nerves.

Finally, Charlie came up with a suitable answer to their questions. "Todd's finally accepting the spirit of carpe diem, boys." And even he knew that they weren't the most sensible group; they would never guess what he truly meant. He knew that was for the best.

Away from the crowd was quite cold. Todd had led them to the most abandoned place he could find. Of course, if asked how to get back he would not have been able to answer except with an, "Uh… W-Well y-y-you s-see…" He stopped Neil just outside at the back of the building. It was cold, and snowing, but it was private. Todd checked each way just to be sure; absolutely no one was around. The only sound was their breathing and Neil's chattering teeth.

"Y-You were g-good," Todd said quietly, aiming a shy smile toward his friend.

"I was, wasn't I?" Neil grinned back at Todd, secretly hoping he would hurry up and say what he wanted to say so they could go back inside.

Todd nodded and went silent. He scuffed the snow between them, trying to think of what to say next. Neil had to have noticed Todd's sudden nervousness because he frowned at the other boy.

"T-Todd?" Neil asked, hugging himself. He was _cold_. Why did Todd have to pick _outside_, at _night_, during the _winter_? "Is s-something wrong? Why'd you bring me out here? You can't have just wanted to tell me that if you brought me all th-the way out here..."

"I-I... N-Neil..." Todd was incredibly nervous. _Why_ had he decided to do this again?

Oh. Right. Neil had inspired him through his passionate performance.

"What's wrong?"

"N-N-Nothing." Todd avoided eye contact, instead looking down at his shoes. "I-I..." He sighed and tried not to slam his fist against the wall in his anger at himself. "Stupid. _Stupid_."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Neil laid a calming hand on his friend's arm. "St-top, T-Todd. T-Tell me what's wrong?"

Todd could only stare at his roommate. He was _really_ starting to doubt himself at this point and he wondered why he had ever thought this was a good idea. He was perfectly content to stay in the shadows; he was alright with keeping his secrets. Well… Almost. Neil's performance had inspired him to seize the day and damn it! He was going to do what he wanted even if Neil would hate him afterward!

Wait, what?

"Todd-"

Before Neil could ever start and before Todd could think further on his negative thoughts, Todd leaned forward and planted his lips on Neil's.

There wasn't much to the kiss; it was just basically lips touching lips. Their eyes were wide open in shock; Todd was shocked because of his boldness and Neil was shocked because he had never saw this coming. Snow fell around them, landing on their shoulders, in their hair, on their cheeks. Neil didn't notice how cold he was anymore. Todd forgot about how nervous he had been.

After a few seconds Todd pulled away. For several moments both boys just stared at each other. Neil had no idea what to say. Todd was just hoping Neil would stay his friend.

"I... Todd-"

"I'm s-sorry." Todd back up a step to give his friend room- and also to distance himself from a possible incoming fist. "I-I... I should have said something sooner, or-"

"No, no..." Neil lightly touched his lips with his fingertips; his lips were slightly tingling, which was not an altogether unpleasant feeling, he decided. But he was _so_ confused... "I... I'm glad you told me- er... Well... You know. I..." What was he supposed to say? _Was_ there something to say when your best friend kissed you? Your _male_ best friend? He was so surprised. "I... Can you let me think about this?"

Todd nodded enthusiastically, a contradiction to how his stomach was faring at the moment. He was convinced it was trying to commit mutiny on him, and he wondered if he was about to throw up. _That_ wouldn't have been good at all. "I'm really sorry-"

Neil held up a hand to silence the other boy. "Are you sorry you kissed me?" he asked simply once he got Todd's attention.

It was silent for several moments before Todd could answer. "N-No, I'm not."

Neil gave him an assuring smile. "You better not be. Let's head back inside, alright?"

"It was because of your performance," Todd said softly once they were well inside. "That's why I... why I did what I did. It was because your passion during your performance inspired me to do what I wanted."

They stopped in the hall at Neil's insistence. A smile lit up his eyes. "Oh, really? That's good, I suppose," he teased, grinning and pulling his friend into a hug. "I _am_ glad, though, Todd. Really. It's just..." He sighed as he pulled away. "I've never... I just need to think about it, alright?"

It was an odd thing when Neil Perry was lost for words. A very odd thing indeed.

Todd just hoped it wasn't a _bad_ odd thing.

They finally found their way back to their friends. Mr. Keating was still missing, as was Knox- the others mumbled something about Chris- so the group waited in the middle of the theater for the two to come back. Charlie eyed the two roommates with a scrutinizing frown but didn't comment on where they'd gone. He'd told the others just minutes before that Todd had probably just wanted to congratulate Neil in private because the other boys still made him nervous and he wouldn't have wanted to stand out if he could help it. The others hid snickers but otherwise said nothing on the subject when the two returned, which Charlie was thankful for. When the two neared each boy present congratulated Neil on his wonderful performance. Neil took it graciously with a bright smile.

And then Mr. Keating came back with Neil's father. Mr. Perry dragged his son off the moment he got his hands on him. Todd sent him a sympathetic look which Neil tried to return with a smile, but failed spectacularly. It turned out pained and forced.

"He'll be fine," Charlie whispered in Todd's ear as he fell back to walk beside the quiet boy on their way back to the car.

Todd was rather surprised at Charlie's show of solemnity. "I... I-I d-don't-"

"You can't fool me, Todd Anderson," Charlie interrupted with a gentle smile. "Don't worry- none of the others know. Did... What did he say?"

He was instantly blushing and stuttering worse than ever. Charlie couldn't make out a single word he was trying to say. Meeks overheard this and turned to see what was going on. "Jesus, Charlie! What did you say to the poor kid?"

"I was just teasing him," Charlie replied indifferently, waving off their concern. Once they'd turn their attention away he turned his attention back to the quietest Dead Poet. "I promise not to make fun of you, if that will make you feel better." He tried to smile comfortingly, but Todd was not as comforted as Charlie would have hoped.

"Not really," Todd replied truthfully. Finally he sighed. "Fine. He... He said he needed... t-to th-think."

"What did you tell him?"

At that Todd blushed magnificently. "I-I... I uhm... Well..." He had to clear his throat to continue. "I actually... didn't tell him anything."

It only took Charlie a moment to catch what he meant. He stopped Todd to openly gape at him. "You mean you-" Todd frantically nodded his head, hoping to stop him from actually saying anything aloud. "You didn't! You sly, sly dog! I knew you had some backbone in there somewhere!"

"Hey!"

"Well it's true!" Charlie grinned as he continued to the car. "I'm glad Neil brings out that side of you." He put his arm around Todd's shoulders to whisper in his ear, "I'll keep your secret."

Todd studied the far more outgoing boy for any signs of deceit. Charlie looked completely serious, which was strange but not altogether unwelcome. Todd could tell (just by looking for a few seconds) that Charlie wasn't lying, or teasing, or just trying to pull one over on him. They stood outside the car for several seconds, waiting for Todd to respond. The rest of their group watched them stand out in the snow; they were curious, yes, and they watched avidly. Suddenly, Todd hugged him close. It was a surprise for all of the boys because Todd _never_ initiated contact with anyone, _especially_ with a hug and _especially_ with Charlie.

"Thank you."

"The least I can do."

They climbed into the car, not meeting the others' curious gazes. However, Charlie looked up when Mr. Keating asked his reflection in the rearview mirror, "And?"

"Nothing to report yet, captain."

OOOOO

"What were you _thinking_?" Mr. Perry hissed at his son once the front door was closed.

Neil whirled around to face his father. "I-"

"I told you absolutely no!"

"Father-"

"Neil-"

Neil turned away, angry. "Why won't you ever listen to me?"

"I just want what's best for you!" Mr. Perry nearly screamed. Mrs. Perry shrunk away from the fight, but devotedly agreed with her husband.

Something inside Neil broke. He nearly screamed back but stopped himself just in time because an image of Todd popped up in front of his eyes. His confession, the kiss, his bravery. All because he had inspired Todd just by performing in a play, just because he did what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. He'd gone against his father's wishes- something Neil had only confessed to Todd late last night when he'd been too upset to even try to sleep even though he needed rest for the performance- and continued on with the performance. And that had inspired his quiet roommate. _He_, _Neil_, had inspired what Mr. Keating had been trying to instill in them since their first class: _carpe diem_.

And that had inspired Neil for what he was about to say next. He would follow Mr. Keating's advice because Todd, himself, had inspired him to finally say how he felt to his father.

"I just want to be an actor," Neil said levelly. "I feel, I feel so _alive_!" What was it Todd had told him? His passion during his performance had inspired Todd. Perhaps if he poured all his passion into his words… "With acting I feel like, like I'm king of the world. I _love_ acting. Without it I... I'd probably die. It's like my air. I've _never_ wanted to be a doctor."

"Of course you do-"

"That is _your_ dream for me," Neil replied, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "_Not mine_. I went along with it because I wanted to make _you _two happy," he added, even pointing out his mother. A low blow, yes, but he wanted to drive his point across. "That's what kids are supposed to do! Don't you remember wanting to make _your_ parents happy?"

Mr. Perry looked ashamed at this. "I... This isn't about me. You have choices that I never could even dream of-"

"Yes, and I am thankful for those," Neil interrupted, desperate now. He was grasping at straws, looking for something, _anything_, to get his father to see reason. "But I just want to act. I don't _care_ about the money, or the fancy title. I just don't."

His parents glanced at each other. His father turned back to him. "We'll think about it tonight."

Neil nearly fainted. His father would think about it? That was pretty much saying he could stay with Todd and continue with his acting!

Wait, 'stay with Todd'?

"Y-Yes, sir, thank you, sir," Neil replied hurriedly so he could go up to his room to think. He hugged both his parents before rushing off to his room. The door slammed closed behind him and he leaned against it. With a large sigh he slid down the smooth wood.

He had almost forgotten about the events following the play. What was he supposed to do about Todd? That kiss... It was mind-blowing, sure, but... Everyone was so against two men being together. Well, Charlie might not be because, well, he's Charlie, but pretty much everyone else would be against them, especially the school. Neil definitely knew he could not confide in his parents about Todd- they'd try to get Todd kicked out for being a pervert and they would punish Neil with military school for sure.

Was it worth it?

Neil knew he didn't really like girls- at least not the way Charlie did. Sure, they were nice to look at and they smelled pretty, but... They just weren't _Todd_. Shy, sweet, innocent, adorable _Todd_.

_That_ thought scared Neil the most.

He decided that it wasn't worth busting his brain over. Instead, he decided he would sleep and see what his dreams told him. Surely those would tell him something, anything, useful.

Right?

It turned out that he actually had nightmares that night. Nothing useful really came out of those, Neil was convinced. His dreams after he'd fallen asleep were filled with military camps and Todd being put to death just for kissing him. In his dream his father was yelling at him for wanting to be an actor instead of doing what he wanted his son to do and for even allowing Todd to come near him. And then his father had turned into Mr. Keating telling him he couldn't be a Dead Poet anymore. Charlie turned up in his dream, then, telling him he should seize the day because that's what they stood for.

Neil woke up just after four and decided not to go back to sleep. In lieu of sleep he recited all his lines under his breath over and over again just trying to forget the horrible nightmare and the hurtful words of his father and the shy, shy look Todd had given him after they'd kissed right after the show while snow piled on their hair and shoulders and on Neil's crown and-

A knock interrupted his thoughts.

He scrambled to answer it, straightening his clothes as he made his way to the door. After six he had decided to just get up, shower, and get dressed for the day. It was now nearing eight and he hadn't gone down to breakfast because his stomach felt like it was about to revolt.

The door opened to reveal his father. "G-Good morning, sir," Neil said hesitantly. His father was frowning. Was that good or bad? He couldn't decipher the look-

"Good morning, Neil," his father replied in a neutral tone. That just made Neil even more nervous. "Are you ready to head back to Welton? We'll be leaving soon."

"Father?"

"Your mother and I..." Here he hesitated, deciding the best way to word his thoughts. "We decided you may go back to Welton Academy. We... won't push you anymore. But we are not happy about your decision to be an actor. Understood?"

Neil was disappointed at that, but he would take what he could get. "Yes, sir."

OOOOO

Later that day at Welton Academy one could find Neil Perry heading straight for his best friend Charlie Dalton's room. He passed by Todd in their hallway but only spared him a glance as he entered Charlie's room. Neil knew he had hurt his feelings, and he hadn't meant to hurt Todd's feelings, but he was still confused about his own and he needed to talk to someone.

That someone, probably an unwise choice, was Charlie Dalton.

The door clicked shut. Charlie looked up at the noise and grinned at his friend, despite the fact that Neil almost looked like death had warmed over. Nevertheless, Charlie refrained from saying anything about it. He felt rather proud of himself for that accomplishment. "Neil! Come, sit my actor friend! Come tell Nuwanda what's wrong."

Neil rolled his eyes but took a seat on Charlie's bed. "Charlie, can I talk to you seriously about something?"

"How serious?"

Silence was his answer.

"Ah." Charlie smirked knowingly as he turned his chair so he could sit the wrong way. He crossed his arms on the back of the chair and rested his chin on top. "This is about that kiss your roommate bestowed upon you, isn't it."

_Not a question_, Neil realized, _just an observation_. "I... Yeah. How'd you know?"

"I talked to Todd after you left," he replied simply. He studied his friend. "You don't know what to do about it, do you?"

"Not really, no."

Charlie mused on the fact that he'd never been so serious for so long in his life. For two consecutive days, even! It was very unlike him, and rather strange. But, his friends needed him and he was not willing to deprive them of his much-needed help. He knew the two should be together because, quite frankly, they completed each other. Todd was perfect to calming Neil and Neil was amazing at bringing Todd out of his shell. Charlie thought for a moment, trying to decide the best way to have his friend figure out his true feelings for Todd Anderson.

"Alright," he said slowly, an idea forming quickly. "Now I am going to ask you some questions and you are going to answer without thinking, just like Todd had to do for that assignment, right?" Neil nodded slowly, slightly nervous of where Charlie was going with this line of thinking. "First of all, what did you think of the kiss?"

"It shocked me," Neil answered truthfully. "I didn't see it coming." Charlie had to bite his tongue. He'd seen it coming for _months_! "I... remember that I didn't feel so cold when he... kissed me, even though we didn't _do_ much. He just sort of... pressed his lips to mine."

Charlie nodded. "Excellent. Very good indeed. Now, did you _like_ it?"

"I... Yeah, I guess..." Neil replied, confused.

"You guess or you know?" Charlie lifted an eyebrow at his friend. "You either know or you don't, so which is it?"

"I did."

"Then what's there to worry about?"

Neil exploded, shooting up from the bed in his irritation. "I'm not like you, Charlie! I don't do things just because! I want a relationship, not just a one-time fling or something short that'll be over before it's even started." Charlie watched him pace in agitation the short length of the room. "But that's not even my main concern!" He lowered his voice and stopped right in front of Charlie for the next part of his rant. "Don't you know how dangerous it is, how dangerous it would be for us if we... pursued a relationship? It's not accepted and... I don't want him put to death or whatever the punishment would be. I wouldn't want us split up. I care about him, Charlie. A lot."

Charlie watched Neil deflate and fall back onto Charlie's bed. "Did that answer your question, Neil?"

"What?" Neil lifted his head only enough to give his friend a confused look.

"Of what you should do," Charlie clarified.

Neil sighed and let his head fall back onto the bed. He rubbed his face with his hand, suddenly tired. "I don't know, Charlie... Last night... I had the weirdest dream. A nightmare, actually."

"What about?"

"My dad sent me to a military camp," Neil replied softly. "And Todd was being put to death for kissing me. My father was screaming at me for becoming an actor instead of a doctor and for even letting Todd near me and... And then he turned into Mr. Keating. He told me I couldn't be a Dead Poet anymore." He chuckled sadly at the thought. "That seems unreal, now that I think about it... And you were in it, too."

Charlie was surprised at this piece of information. "Hopefully it wasn't for something terrible... Like kicking a puppy."

Neil fell into a fit of tired giggles. "N-No, nothing like that." He managed to gain control of his breathing again. "You were telling me to seize the day."

"Dream-me is right," Charlie declared. "You should seize this opportunity. It only knocks once, you know."

"Todd blushes prettily," Neil blurted rather suddenly. Charlie just rolled his eyes and played along as Neil continued. "Is that even a word? Prettily... I think he'd be angry if I said beautifully. Let's go with charmingly, shall we? And the stutter is sometimes annoying but really adorable, now that I think about it. And-"

Charlie laughed jovially. "Don't tell me this! You should be telling Todd this!"

"Would you-"

"Of course." Neil didn't even need to ask if Charlie would guard the door from anyone who might have wanted to talk to him or congratulate him on his performance the night before. This talk with Todd was important and could not be interrupted.

"Just remember," Charlie said as they stood in front of Neil and Todd's door. "_Carpe diem_."

"Right, right." Neil looked jittery, just standing in front of his door. He was bouncing from foot to foot because of his nerves. He hadn't even been this nervous for the play! "Right. Carpe diem."

Charlie rested a hand on his friend's arm. "How much sleep did you get last night?"

"Doesn't matter. I need to go seize the day!"

Charlie snorted as the door closed behind Neil. "Yeah, seize _something_ alright."

Inside the dorm was silent. Todd stared, wide-eyed, at Neil, and Neil stared just as wide-eyed right back. It was Neil who broke the silence first.

"Hey, Todd," he said gently, moving forward so they could talk in softer tones so as not to be overheard. "I... I wanted to thank you. For what you did last night. You inspired me to stand up to my father."

Todd's eyes widened even further, however impossible it should have been. "I-I did?"

Neil nodded, stopping just inches from his roommate. "Of course. And... Well." He gave Todd a shy, soft smile. "And then I got to thinking that he would be so angry with me if he found out I was with you... Then we would never see each other again if my father had anything to say about it..."

"Oh." Todd turned away. "I-I'm sorry. I should have-"

"Hush." Neil smiled brightly at Todd. "I talked with Charlie. He said you talked to him, too."

It was the moment of truth, the moment when everything would crash around them or when everything became clear and bright and beautiful. Todd could hardly contain himself. Neil's words could have been taken either way, but... His underlying tone gave Todd a reason to hope. Todd had been fighting for so long, and so hard, to find himself. He'd always been in his brother's shadow, and now...

Now Neil didn't care anything about Todd's brother, didn't even know him all that well, really. Neil was looking at him like... like he was special, the only person who mattered in the world- the universe.

And then Neil's lips were on Todd's, and Todd nearly fainted in shock. The sensation was gone as soon as it had come, however, and Todd opened his eyes to see Neil grinning impishly.

"I'm willing to try," whispered Neil as he rested his forehead against Todd's.

"Carpe diem," was the response he received.

A knock at the door interrupted the moment. They sprung apart just as Charlie poked his head into the room. "I'm sorry, gents," he said with a victorious smirk. "But I need to go speak with Mr. Keating about matters of great importance. Also, Neil, your little fan club is out here wanting to speak with you."

And with that, Charlie left to go inform Mr. Keating of what had happened in Neil and Todd's room. He would never say anything about the conversations he had had individually with each boy, and he would never say anything to anyone about the situation unless Neil or Todd- especially Todd- gave the go-ahead, but that didn't mean he wasn't allowed to tease the two at every given opportunity.

"Opportunity only knocks once, you know," Charlie murmured gleefully to himself.


End file.
